Control and Freedom

So, I generally have things under control. At least I want to have things under my control - and I do all that I can to manage, plan and organize my life so that it functions well. I think I've been relatively successful in my endeavors. I live on a budget, keep my house clean, plan things in advance, have a savings account in case of the worst, many things to keep life secure. I've even gone to the extent to "teach" Darren these things (he doesn't necessarily want to learn them), we've done well working together, and he's been gracious to recognize my needs and desires in these areas.

But there have always been things about myself that have just frustrated and confused me, things that don't really fit the characterization of a controlled person, things that don't seem like me. Things like, I can never return a phone call in a timely manner - in fact I'd be ok if nobody ever called me or if I lost my phone forever. Things like, the only reason I can seem to care about being on time for things is because Darren likes to be early, even then he has to remind a dozen times and constantly asks me when I'm going to be ready. Things like I procrastinate in EVERYTHING. Things like I could stay in my pajamas and accomplish nothing in a day and still feel really good about myself. Things like Darren has to follow me around when I cook - closing cupboards, picking up things off the floor, doing my dishes. Things like I feel suffocated by agendas and hate setting goals.

I've always tried to conform those things into something more organized and responsible. Something that makes sense and fits who I am. Until recently, I always saw them as faults, things to be critiqued and changed.

The other day, Darren had an epiphany (or maybe he's known it for a while), he shared with me that he loves that I'm a "free spirit." I looked at him like he's crazy, I'm the least free person that I know. But he went on to point out many of the above things about me. He did it so joyfully and was so loving and adoring of those qualities in me. It took me some time, and I've been thinking about it for a while but Darren really helped me to embrace that part of myself, not to try to change it, but to enjoy the things that I enjoy, to be free to have some control in my life and some chaos, some freedom. He helped me see that I am allowed to be this person that I was created as.

I'm excited to live in this tension and this freedom of the person that I am.